


Late Night Ramblings with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin

by avadakebullshit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Confused Sirius Black, Fluff, Gay Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23317792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avadakebullshit/pseuds/avadakebullshit
Summary: Sirius Black was gay, and that was a Fact. Whether he was aware of this was unclear, but it was only a matter of time until he was.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 176





	Late Night Ramblings with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this is my entry for @hazplupin's writing contest!  
> my prompt was "Wow, Sirius. I'm impressed. You almost sounded straight." and yeah this is what I came up with :)

Sirius Black was gay, and that was a Fact. James knew that, Remus knew that; even Peter knew that, and he wasn’t exactly boasting pearls of wisdom on the intelligence front. Whether Sirius was aware of this was unclear, but it was only a matter of time until he was.

Remus Lupin liked Sirius Black. Liked liked. And he prayed that he didn’t know that. He prayed that he didn’t know when he smiled his smile and Remus made valiant efforts to stop a telling blush creep up his cheeks. He prayed he didn’t know when he found his eyes straying towards Sirius just when he happened to be looking right back at him, one hand running through his hair, the other scribbling absent-mindedly on a spare bit of parchment. He winked at Remus, every time, and he prayed he didn’t know.

Lessons had finished for the week, and although the Marauders would usually get straight to partying, they were slumped in the common room and had not moved for an hour. Remus was curled up on one of the worn sofas, the corners still slightly burned from an experiment in fourth year. Sirius was sprawled beside him, his arm inching around Remus when he thought no one was looking. James was sitting in his favourite armchair, which was reserved for him, and him only; James was known for accidentally hexing things in a close proximity to him, and the chair was no exception, and so people tended to avoid it. He was recounting a riveting tale involving Lily Evans not glaring at him, sporadically casting suspicious looks over at Sirius’s arm. Peter was perched on the floor - “It’s comfy,” he insisted - listening intently to James’s story, his light brown eyes wide with genuine interest.

“-and then, I felt it, her gaze turned to me, just like that, and - get this - she… looked at me. Isn’t that the best thing you’ve ever heard?”

Peter nodded, albeit dubiously. Remus smiled weakly, trying to ignore Sirius’s arm snaking behind him.

Sirius huffed loudly. “I’m sorry James, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about, really.”

James smirked knowingly, and Remus uncurled slightly. Peter remained wide-eyed and alert.

“It’s just,” he continued, “I don’t see why you would go for Evans when you could go for Mary MacDonald. She’s on a way higher level.”

James laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Wow, Sirius. I’m impressed. You almost sounded straight.”

Sirius frowned. “What?”

James laughed again, but Sirius wasn’t having it. “Seriously, James, what do you mean?”

Remus was suddenly aware of the absence of Sirius’s arm around him. He turned to face Sirius and saw that he was sitting bolt upright, his arm stiff beside him. His brow was furrowed and his cheeks were flushed in anger, but there was something in his eyes: not rage, not even ‘pissed-off’; if Remus was correct, Sirius was hurt.

It seemed James had noticed this too. He was no longer smiling. Remus shifted uncomfortably, as did James, but all this succeeded in doing was creating an excruciating silence which no one dared break. Even Peter had slumped, and due to his lack of chair, was close to lying on the thinly-carpeted floor. He was looking everywhere, trying to avoid Sirius’s gaze, occasionally meeting his eyes and immediately looking away.

“Guys,” Sirius whispered. “Did- did you think I was gay?”

James sighed loudly. Despite his many talents, being quiet was not one of them. It was unclear whether he was frustrated by his friend’s apparent obliviousness or disappointed in himself and his mistake, but either way, Sirius was not happy.

“What the fuck, James,” he started, standing to his full height. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, so his gesture did little to mask his ire. “And you,” he turned on Remus, “did you think that, too?”

“Uhh,” Remus said, searching for something to say but coming up dry.

“Peter?” Sirius asked, almost desperately.

Peter looked at James, wincing with as much subtlety as an elephant in a shopping centre.

Sirius’s face was fire, his eyes dark, welling with tears of animosity. He turned to James again, but said nothing, as if he could not find words to express what he was feeling. This was quite a feat as Sirius was known for his passionate speeches of hatred and displeasure towards the slightest of injustices, and yet this had him speechless.

“I just thought-” James said warily, but desisted as Sirius turned and ran out of the portrait hole and out of sight.

“I think we might have made a mistake,” Peter said perceptively.

“Good observation, Peter,” James muttered.

Remus felt as if he had been punched.

//

Fucking hell, Sirius thought. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he knew he wasn’t going to be going back to the common room any time soon.

He thundered down the winding corridors and moving staircases, leaving a trail of alarmed portraits in his wake.

Gay. I’m not gay. Am I? Shit. Maybe I am. I would know, wouldn’t I. Ahhh fuck it. Fucking James Fleamont Potter. Fucking Peter Pettigrew. Remus fucking Lupin.

Coherence was never a strong point of Sirius’s.

He needed to clear his head. This was a situation that even blasting loud, angry music could not fix. He needed fresh air. He needed to feel the cool breeze in his hair and on his face. He needed to get cold, freezing even, to the point he couldn’t feel the end of his nose.

Quidditch. Obviously.

It was already pretty dark, even though it was just nearing 6.00, so most sane people were inside, curled up in front of the fire, not having an identity crisis sparked by an innocent conversation with friends. Was he having an identity crisis? Sirius didn’t know what to think.

He marched through the corridors, not stopping to greet Peeves, who was mooning important portraits and laughing uproariously at his own ghostly backside. After walking for some time, Sirius barged through a small backdoor which only few knew about, which brought him right out onto the quidditch pitch. Immediately, the still air flooded his face and numbed his cheeks. He shivered. He wasn’t wearing anything warm; this visit was unplanned to say the least. Still, he jogged over to the broom stores - he’d left his trusty Nimbus in the dorms like an idiot - and picked out the least battered Cleansweep he could find, and flew.

He did a few laps of the pitch, letting the wind whip through his hair, leaving it adequately dishevelled and windswept, in a way that said ‘I don’t care about your goddamned opinion, fuck off.’

Circling the pitch, although freeing, wasn’t doing much to make him forget what James had said. What they had all said. He didn’t know why, or what he would do. He didn’t know if he was gay. For all he knew, he could be. James could be pretty perceptive at times, and even Moony agreed, and he knew about this sort of thing. Moony knew about everything, it seemed. He was always reading something, and when he wasn’t, he was helping them execute pranks, meticulously planning every detail in a way Sirius had never seen anyone else do. He would always do this cute little frown thing whenever James or Sirius said something stupid, and he sometimes stuck a pencil behind his ear and forgot about it, and-

Wait. No. No no no. No fucking way. That was just James putting ideas into his head. Moony wasn’t cute. No. Moony was his friend. His best friend. And best friends simply weren’t cute. James wasn’t cute. James was an insufferable idiot. Moony wasn’t an idiot, though. Nor was he insufferable. But that didn’t mean he liked him. Moony was his best friend, for Merlin’s sake.

Sirius shook his head and sighed dramatically. Fuck you, James Potter, putting perplexing thoughts into his head which he definitely did not ask for, nor deserve.

His inner ramblings had distracted him somewhat, and he had subconsciously drifted towards the ground, and he was now only a few feet in the air. He dragged his feet across the ground, making patterns in the wet grass with his feet, laughing quietly to himself when he thought of what his parents would think of him now: breaking curfew and having unexplainable thoughts about boys. No. Totally explainable, really, when he thought about it. James had made him think he was gay, and so he had, for a few bizarrre moments, believed it.

The door he had come through blew open suddenly, and slammed with the wind. “Hey,” Sirius shouted, despite the vast empty space around him, “who’s there?”

Predictably, there was no response. “I’m serious, who’s there?”

He heard a small laugh from a few feet in front of him, although no one revealed themself. “James? Remus? Peter?”

“Oh, alright,” the voice said, and a thin silvery material slid off the intruder.

“Remus, you gave me a fucking heart attack!”

Remus laughed again, but looked unsure.

“How’d you get James’s cloak?”

“I stole it. He’s asleep, and he’s always been a bit lax about his possessions. He left it lying on the floor, completely unprotected.”

“He’s asleep? It’s like, seven. He’s such a child, honestly.”

“Sirius,” Remus said hesitantly. “You’ve been out here for hours. It’s almost 9.30. I thought I’d better check on you. I know you like to be alone when you’re pissed but…”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, running a hand through his tousled hair. Hours? He’d barely noticed how black the sky was, the bright moon illuminating the pitch. “How’d you find me, anyway?”

“You’re not exactly original. I know you, Sirius.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, sort of. But I also saw you doing laps earlier. You looked like you were in a trance or something.”

“Just thinking, you know?”

Remus nodded. “So?” he said indicatively.

“Do I hate you all to the ends of the Earth and back?”

Remus smiled slightly. “Well, yeah.”

“No. I don’t think so.” Remus visibly relaxed. “I guess I’m just confused. About everything.”

Remus gestured for him to go on, and Sirius shrugged. “I guess, I don’t know really. About who I am. I’ve never even thought about it. But James saying that… It made me think.”

“I get it,” Remus said softly. He was looking intently at the ground, tracing circles in the grass just as Sirius had done minutes before.

“You do?”

Remus looked at him with a startling intensity that Sirius wasn’t expecting. “More than you know.”

Sirius felt slightly ill, but in a good way. Like the butterflies in his stomach were dancing. “Remus,” he whispered, his mouth dry, “are… are you gay?”

A blush crept up Remus’s cheeks, and he brushed his fringe out of his eyes. “Um… yeah.”

“Oh.”

Remus smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. I’m awful at this.”

Remus shook his head indignantly. “You’re not. You’re better than my parents were.”

“Your parents know? How did they take it?”

“My mum was okay. I don’t think my dad really believed me.”

“I’m sorry.” At least Sirius could certainly say that his parents would believe him. “If I was gay, my parents would- they’d kill me.”

Remus reached out and brushed Sirius’s arm, but then thought better of it and quickly pulled back.

“I guess that’s why this is so hard. I’d never thought of myself in that way because I knew I’d never be allowed,” Sirius continued. “I’m just so confused. About everything. Because who knows, really. I might be gay. I might not be. If they knew I was even thinking about it… oh I swear to Merlin. I hate them. I really do. I hat-”

All of a sudden, Remus’s lips were on his, and he wasn’t talking anymore. He wasn’t even thinking anymore. It was nice. His lips were soft against his, heartfelt and meaningful. And Sirius felt himself kissing back, much harder and desperately, and Remus’s mouth opened a fraction in surprise.

Seconds later, Remus pulled away. Sirius gasped.

“Remus, wha-”

“I thought that would shut you up,” he smirked, before realising what he had said, his face falling. “I mean, not shut you up. I mean, I just thought, you were rambling and-”

Sirius laughed, grinning widely. “It’s fine. It was nice. Really nice.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “It… it was?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said breathlessly. The kiss had simultaneously cleared things up and muddled them even further in his mind. “Maybe I am a little gay,” he said in a small voice.

Remus giggled openly. “Don’t. Take all the time you need to figure it out. I’ll always be here.”

“I know,” Sirius whispered, before leaning in to kiss him again.

And this time, everything was plain and simple: Sirius Black liked Remus Lupin. And he didn’t know how he hadn’t realised it before.


End file.
